Dark Energy Protection Ritual – Warding Off Negativity (Or Just Making Us Richer)

Are you surrounded by bad vibes, negative energy, or just really annoying people? Do you need spiritual protection but also enjoy supporting the most honest occult scam on Etsy? Well, congratulations, motherfucker—you’ve just found the solution.

For the very reasonable price of $66.69 (because why not?), we will perform a completely legitimate (probably) Dark Energy Protection Ritual. This will ensure that:

✔ Negativity bounces off you like a bad PowerPoint presentation.
✔ You remain spiritually untouchable (except by capitalism).
✔ Your enemies experience minor inconveniences, like stepping in a wet spot with socks on.

WHAT WE ACTUALLY DO:
• We perform a ritual. It may involve incense, chanting, or just us staring at a candle and thinking about your name real hard.
• We write your name down somewhere spooky. This makes it official.
• We send you an absolutely useless but aesthetically pleasing “proof” of your protection.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMERS:
• This works if you believe it does. If it doesn’t work, that’s on you.
• No refunds. Once we perform the ritual, your fate is sealed.
• This is definitely real, but also definitely satire. Figure it out.

Buy now, or continue living unprotected like a fool. Your choice.